[ vax currently has!!!! opinions!!!! about keyleth's current living situation. most of them have to do with the fact that it's not with the rest of them. specifically: not with him. but the whole series of actions of them all finding each other has him...worried isn't the right word, but neither is concerned. something close to that, for sure, if the way keyleth had looked is anything to go by.
but there'd been a lot. things to learn and places to know and with everyone (or- almost everyone) together, it meant a whirlwind of chaos and voices and ideas. and it also meant that time for private conversations would need to come later.
thus vax sits on it for a day, maybe more. they go find new restaurants and go shopping and he's watched, confused and very much annoyed, as percy and vex danced around each other. it was a situation he'd have to deal with at some point, but not yet, because right now he's climbing over rooftops and stopping at the one he'd found to be keyleth's, searching down for the right window and knocking on the glass.
he's very aware that she may not be in her room - he would have checked if their earrings worked in any capacity, but as it stood, everything was a bit up in the air. vax has decided, then, to try his luck that she would be in her room. and if not, he was confident enough in his skills to get inside the house, and then he could find her there.
the fact she might not even be in the house has crossed his mind, yes, but that's a bridge to burn when he gets there. for now?
[ It isn't that Keyleth doesn't want to live with everyone again, she does, she really really does, but these houses are so small and she's got a few months worth of things collected and squeezed into her cramped space and it was just be so rude to pack up all of her plants and her bird and the pillows and trinkets she's collected to turn something functional and sterile into something that feels like a home and make their cramped space even more cramped.
So it's not ideal! It really isn't! She doesn't like it either. But she's there as much as she can be without forcing that crowded in feeling of five people existing in a house that honestly feels oppressive and small even with three.
(And maybe it's a little more than that? Maybe it's just weird? Staring at Vex and Percy not acting married when Keyleth knows they're married, and Vax's hands are warm and flush with healthy color and so normal when they touch hers and she can't make sense of how much they don't understand, how much they don't know. It's a constant struggle to try and decide what's even worth telling and what doesn't matter because their world is gone.
Maybe it's a little bit that. But mostly it's just that there's not enough room. Mostly it's that.)
As it happens, she is in her room, water plants while a fat little blue bird chirps at her from his perch, either singing at her to get her attention or just to demonstrate that he can and he's happy. The knock, quite frankly, scares the shit out of her; she yelps and jumps and clutches her pitcher full of water like it's a weapon she's preparing to swing and there is someone at her window oh it's just Vax. Okay. That's okay.
Pitcher set aside, bare feet on tiptoes as she hurries across the room, fiddles and fumbles with the latches, then finally lifts the pane and peers out, confused and a little concerned. Still happy to see him, though. Always happy to see him awake and alive. ]
[ of course it's complicated. things generally were. and if they weren't, they'd already be solved - which is why vax is here. because complications were fine, but complications with keyleth? not so much. the last thing he remembers back home is living with her, traveling with her back and forth from whitestone. watching her grow, and hone her skills, getting closer. going from that, to this, was a lot more like whiplash than vax would like to admit, so after taking the time to better settle in and get a handle on where they were and that no one was going to be disappearing any time soon, he's decided that it's been long enough of a wait.
thus why he is here. and why - after a brief moment of watching her move around her room and tend to her plants - he knocks. he does feel guilty at the way it startles her, and vax waves apologetically at her when she turns to face him. watches with an odd curiosity as she sets the pitcher aside and moves to unlock the window. once it's opened is when he grins at her, shrugging where he's crouched on her window sill. ]
Don't know, didn't check. Is this your room? [ of course it's her room, he knows that now, but he uses it as an excuse to poke his head inside and look around. he's struck by how keyleth it is - the collection of items and knick-knacks and things strewn across the room. once he's had a chance to case it, he turns his eyes back to her, grin still around but a little less due to the odd feeling he still has about it all. ]
[ She moves back a little to let him lean through, then ducks down to pluck a few small pots from the windowsill, clusters of succulent cuttings that she was coaxing along. It feels weird to hear him asking her permission to come in. She'd gotten very used to her space being his space, his space being her space. In her last memories of them back home, they were barely even speaking, but Keyleth has had a lot of time to process things, accept that whatever happened really doesn't even matter anymore. And he's awake and alive, so what's the point in clinging to bad feelings? ]
Yeah, sure, of course. You don't have to ask.
[ She carries the little clay pots over to a dresser, a temporary placement so Vax can climb in. Which is silly. But also really Vax. Still though. ]
Just for the record, you know, for the future, you can totally use the front door. Just so nobody thinks you're trying to break in.
[ it feels weird to ask, honestly, but vax does it anyway. all too aware that there is something else going on. he doesn't like it, doesn't like whatever it is that's currently existing under the surface of the space between them, but that's why he's here, isn't he? to check on whatever this is?
because it's keyleth, yes. keyleth who will take his hand. keyleth who will smile at him. keyleth who will press his hand to her cheek and look at him and that's not what he's worried about. because this is keyleth, but it is keyleth and something else, and that is what vax needs to understand.
so he asks. and when she answers, he nods a bit at it. he's not surprised. he expected her to respond with as much. but still, a part of him is relieved that it's still okay - a kind of uncertainty he's not sure how to carry. he steps inside the sill, and then onto whatever is immediately inside, before jumping gracefully down to the floor right inside. something about the thud bring him comfort, like all things that have to do with keyleth tends to do. like how just seeing the beads braided into his hair can sometimes make it all easier to carry. ]
I know, but still. Figured it was worth it.
[ his eyes are still to the room - the little things she has strewn about. the bird in the corner. it simultaneously feels like he's intruding and he's finally home, something about it all feelings so very keyleth but also something else. he tries not to let his discomfort show, but he's also fairly aware that if she wanted to, she could see straight through him, so he doesn't try all that hard.
he shrugs - noncommittally - one shoulder lifting then falling at her suggestion, before he's turning back to face her with a kind of mischievous glint to his eyes. ]
Where's the fun in that? Are your roommates going to get me arrested? [ it feels both like a joke and a challenge, all within the same breath, before it falls into a more welcoming smile, his eyes falling over her again. picking up on all the little details, all the things different. the time that has made its mark on her. he wants to take it back, wants to take her back, but instead he just exhales. ]
[ Maybe the otherness of the space is because there's nothing of him in it. It's all her, because, well, all that's been here until now is her. Keyleth feels the same way when she visits them, like she's a bit of an x-factor, an outsider, intruding on another's limited, precious space. She doesn't like feeling that way, but it is what it is, til they can make it into something else. Something better. Something more like home.
His remark makes her smile--there's her Vax in it, the quick flash of fuck-em-if-they-can't-take-a-joke in his grin. She backs up to the edge of the bed and sits down, pulling a plush little throw pillow into her lap just to hold as she looks up at him and grins right back. ]
Well they might, 'til they figure out who you are.
[ The bright glitter of amusement fades after a moment, his question bringing a brief troubled furrow to her brow. Legs get folded up, pillow hugged to her chest. There are several different directions this conversation can go, potentially, and honestly--there are some Keyleth doesn't want to have. Not now. Possibly not ever. ]
No. Of course not. You're never--no, not interrupting.
[ maybe that's true. it's been a while since vax has seen keyleth without him. items left here and there, an extra smudge of something. he keeps her with him everywhere, now. with the antlers on his arm and the beads in his hair. stepping into a place that is so wholly her's without any speck of him feels a lot more like he's intruding than he ever expected to feel, but it's fine. it makes sense. he's been asleep for months.
months.
but keyleth grins back at him, settling on the bed, and vax shrugs. ] I'd like to see them try, really. It's been a while since I've gotten to run from authorities. [ but then he watches her, watches the amusement fade, and there. that's why he's here. that haunted, worried expression that hovers somewhere right behind her eyes. vax lets her curl up on her spot for a second before he steps forward, moving to sit down on the bed next to her. ]
Hey. [ he reaches out a little, his hand moving to settle in the space he's left between them. his head tilts a bit to try and catch her eyes where she's curled around the pillow, and he hates how aware he is of the space between them - both the inches of air and something else. his expression is soft, trying to be comforting and understanding while he still feels a bit awkward, himself. he doesn't want to. he wants to fix this. but he can't help the feeling that there's something left unsaid and he plans on fixing it. ]
[ Keyleth's shoulders lift slowly as she draws in a breath so deep it feels like it might never end. They sink back down with a long exhale, head drooping down slightly to rest against the edge of the throw pillow, eyes closed. A moment or two of stillness passes like this, then she lifts her head just enough to lean it against his shoulder instead. Another moment and she realizes that won't be enough. The pillow drops back down to her lap and rolls carelessly onto the floor as her arms leave it and wind around Vax's chest, her forehead pressed against the curve of his neck.
He's so warm. It makes her eyes sting. She wants nothing more than to forget there was ever (will ever be?) a time when that changed. ]
I just miss the way things were.
[ Which is one-hundred-percent truth. There may still be things she isn't elaborating on, but seeing everyone awake...as happy as she is, it makes missing home a constant raw ache. It makes knowing it's gone and they failed so much harder to keep from thinking about. ]
[ keyleth takes a breath, long and heavy, and vax finds himself almost desperate to hear what comes after it. desperate to know what it is that has her so worried, so he can do something about it. usually, he's a lot more prepared to deal with keyleth being upset. usually, he has a good enough idea of what happened and could, that way, be better at supporting her and reassuring her through it.
he is at a complete loss here, which is why he's so anxious about it. which is why he's here to ask.
but then keyleth sighs, and then she leans against his shoulder. he tilts his head to lean his cheek on top of her head - avoiding the antlers, like he was fairly good at these days - but then she's moving again, wrapping her arms around his chest and her forehead against his neck. it takes him no time at all to turn and wrap his arms around her too, settling his hands against her back and pulling her close.
her voice is quiet when she speaks, and vax lets out a breath, burying his face a bit in her hair. taking a breathing and breathing in her. ] I know. [ or at least, he thinks he does. thinks she is talking about zephrah, about their time back home, about helping everyone rebuild and visiting percy and vex in whitestone. for him, that's the most relevant, the most recent, for him - so that's where his mind goes.
except that's over. the world has been destroyed, and they've all been saved. flown up to some kind of ship the size of all of tal'dorei and then some, and told that they can spend their time here, and vax. is pushing through trying to understand all of that. but he also knows keyleth, and can assume she's holding a lot more of that on her shoulders then she needs to be, and he sighs lightly. ]
There's a lot I miss about home, too. [ he squeezes her a bit closer as he talks. ] But that doesn't mean we can't all try and start something new, here.
[ And he's not wrong, that's certainly part of it. As hard as it is to think of Grog and Scanlan and Tary never waking again, passing by the sleeping bodies of her people...citizens of Whitestone...faces she recognizes from Emon. Her father. Gilmore, Allura, Kima. It's even harder. I failed you, she thinks as she looks up at every still face. We failed you. And you. And you. And you.
Truthfully, she doesn't even know for sure that she's right about that. She doesn't remember if there was even a fight to lose. How do you grieve for something you can't even remember losing?
Grief. Grief and loss is what it comes to on many levels. Part of her is still stuck trying to decide if she needs to try and mourn something that's sitting right beside her. ]
I know. I keep telling myself that. I've been trying to do that. I keep thinking, a place is just dirt and wood and rocks, the people are the important part, the people were saved. But if they never wake up...does that mean we're it? We're the only people left to remember Emon? Zephrah? Whitestone?
[ They're long thoughts. Heavy thoughts. Keyleth sighs again, though it's lighter this time, less tight in the chest, less burdened ]
I'm sorry. I'm so happy you're awake, all of you. [ Vax, especially. No one can really blame her for that, can they? ] There's just been...it's been a lot.
[ vex hasn’t necessarily had as long of a time as kiki to walk through the pods, and maybe once he has, he’ll feel differently about it. but it’s still fresh for him. the memories of the deal, the agreement he made, waking up. a good amount of his family is here, vex and keyleth specifically, so as far as he’s concerned it’ll be fine.
keyleth feels differently. he knew she would. a responsibility on her shoulders, an understanding of what it means to carry the mantle. he loves her for it, for that and more, but he also doesn’t know how to help it either. ]
We don’t know if they won’t wake up. [ vex runs his hands over her back, up and down, trying to be comforting. ] We all woke up this last time, right? So who knows how many more will next. And when they do, we’ll keep going. Rebuild. We always do.
[ he can’t help but smile a little at that, leaning down to kiss the top of her head again. ] I’m sorry it took a bit to wake up, too. You shouldn’t have had to do this alone.
[ It's a quiet huff of an utterance, gentle and only slightly chastising. Keyleth eases back a bit and takes his face firmly in her hands, smiling softly. ]
You couldn't do anything about that, no one could. It's completely out of our control.
[ Just the way things are. Like how no one's talking about Vecna. Like how Percy and Vex are circling each other instead of acting like the happy (and happily married, the assholes) couple they're supposed to be. She's heard a little about this from other people that have woken up. That there are just...just things not everyone remembers.
Which brings up...well. A question she really doesn't want to ask cause it only invites more questions. But it's something she really needs to know. ]
What, um. What's the last thing you remember before you woke up? What was going on?
[ and there she is - the huff, the gentle touch of her hands, the way she looks at him. he gives her a fairly sheepish smile when she starts on reprimanding him for the guilt he's obviously feeling and showing. he reaches up wraps his hands gently around her wrists, squeezing. ]
I know. [ he feels bad. he does. he knows it's not his fault and there was nothing he could really do about it, but he does. keyleth is obviously hurting, things with his sister are weird in a way he never imagined they would be, and her quiet admission of I just miss the way things were hits home more than he ever thought it would. ] But that doesn't mean I don't want to try and fix it, or apologize. I'm usually faster than three months...
[ but then there's the question. the look. the smile he gives her fades quickly. ]
What? [ he's...confused, more than anything, and his frown shows as much. ] What do you mean? [ and then, because she did ask a question and he can't help but want to help... ] We were in Zephra. Just about to go visit Vex and Percival and Tary in Whitestone. Why?
[ It's just like Vax to feel guilty about something he has no control over, just like Vax to want to fix the unfixable. Keyleths's sigh is soft and fond as she brings him in close enough to kiss his forehead. ] I survived. I'm fine. Look, see, I have a pet and everything.
[ That glances towards the perch of her fat little feathery friend. That's the mark of a functional, well adjusted person, right? Look, I can take care of another living thing! Look at my plants! See? I'm fine!
The answer to her question is a little sobering, though also about what she expected. ] Zephrah. [ Well, they spent a year in Zephrah, and they visited Whitestone a lot, so that's not as much help as she would have hoped. ] Close to Winter's Crest?
No one's surprised don't about that. [ about keyleth's ability to survive. about keyleth doing well doing everything on her own. she's so incredibly powerful, there was never a question about whether or not she'd be able to. he's just sorry she had to. that he couldn't help carry some of that weight. keyleth's kisses his forehead and his eyes fall closed, letting out a soft breath. ]
I was kindness of expecting you to have more. [ he looks over to the feathery friend in the corner, watching as the bird watches him. it might be his imagination, but he feels oddly like he's being judged by this little friend, and it makes vax smile lightly. at the bird, at keyleth penchant to attract feathery friends.
but then the thought stops - as it usually did with thoughts regarding the raven queen.
the question is poised, and vax gives his answer. he watches her for any kind of response, any idea of what she means when she asks. he doesn't be get nearly enough of an answer from her expression, and his frown grows a bit. ]
Almost. We were a few weeks out. [ he doesn't like this. doesn't like what this most likely means. he tightens his hands on her wrists for a moment. ]
[ Keyleth huffs another soft laugh, dropping her hands to lay them on Vax's shoulders. She's a little surprised, to be honest. It really has felt like learning to function with vital parts of her missing. ]
Oh it's, it's nothing bad. I think it's just, just a thing that happens. I don't know why. Maybe it has to do with the Storm. But some people don't, they don't remember things that've happened. That's all.
[ Has her voice gone a little tight? Maybe. Keyleth's bad at lying. And this isn't lying, exactly, it's just dodging a topic. Which isn't much better, or any easier, than lying. ]
Edited 2017-10-01 01:56 (UTC)
oh my actual god i have no idea how that many typos happened im so sorry.
[ her hands go to his shoulders, and his hands drop to her knee, where her legs sit just next to his. he doesn't like the way her laugh sounds, or the way her shoulders drop. and when she gives him that answer, vax doesn't even need to be good at reading people to know she's lying. or at least. not telling him everything.
which is why he waits for a second, one and then two, before he's leaning forward to press his forehead against her's. ]
Keyleth. [ and then it's his turn, lifting his hands to cup both her cheeks and to rub his thumbs over the skin there. more pieces are starting to fall into place, now, but not quite enough. he wants to know, but he also doesn't want to make her feel any worse. ]
You can tell me anything, you know that right? [ he watches her eyes, then, his own soft but worried, before- ] What was the last thing you remember, then?
[ There are a lot of conflicting emotions tearing at her, because Keyleth doesn't want to keep things from him. She hates withholding anything; it feels terrible, it feels downright unnatural. Percy is her best friend, but Vax...Vax is her person. Keeping things from him will be a constant weight on her shoulders.
...It's just one she's willing to bear. She just can't do it. She can't tell him everything. And is it really so wrong? What good does it do for him to know what happens when it may not ever happen? What will it achieve, but to make him feel sad? And she's so tired of that. She's so tired of being sad and angry over things she doesn't get to have in a world that doesn't exist anymore. ]
It's... [ A soft sigh, eyes closed, as Keyleth sinks into the warmth of Vax's palms cradling her head between them. ] Oh, Vax. It's a really long story. Things got bad. Worse than dragons, bad. Bad enough that the Storm might've even saved more people than it hurt. That sounds so awful, but I don't--I don't know that it isn't true.
[ he wants to know. needs to, in a way. if it's something that has been weighing her down, he wants to pry it away from her. to settle it somewhere between his shoulder blades, if only to let her carry her head a little higher.
but vax also knows that if keyleth doesn't to say anything further, he won't push her. and with the way she leans into his hands, he has a good idea that whatever it is she's not sharing is hard, and he doesn't blame her for it. couldn't ever blame keyleth for anything, really. ]
It's okay. [ because, somewhere down in him, he knew things would. get worse, get bad, get worse than bad. things with the conclave were bad, but they made it out. they survived, in a way, and pushed through. scanlan walked out on them, sure, but they were all alive. feeling her sink into him is telling enough of what she's been dealing her holding onto, and vax moves slowly, pulling his hands from her face if only to pull her to his chest, wrapping his arms around her and cradling her close. ] We came here to save our home, didn't we? And that's what happened. You're a hero.
[ because she is. more than that, she's his hero, and he tucks his face into her hair for a moment just to remind him that she's here. that it'll be okay, because she is here and vex is here and everything else will work out.
after a pause, he exhales slowly. ] You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. [ despite the way his whole body seems to rebel against those words, he knows they're true. ] But you don't need to lie to me either, okay? Because shit might suck back home, but we're here. We can figure it out.
[ Keyleth comforts herself by insisting that if the situation were reversed, Vax would carry the weight rather than darken her days with it. Is it true? Well. She thinks it probably is. When has Vax ever put himself before anyone else?
But that doesn't mean she won't accept the embrace, the comfort. Keyleth starts to move in, then makes a quiet noise and eases back enough to lift the antlered circlet off of her head, setting it aside far enough away that neither of them are likely to put their hands down on it and catch a prong.
There. She winds her arms around his middle and presses her cheek against Vax's chest. That's better. She sinks in and closes her eyes, counting every breath and every heartbeat, roughly three beats for every inhale and exhale.
She shifts again, just to turn her head and press her face into the fabric of his shirt. Hero. Keyleth's never felt like a hero. She thinks Kerr has the right of it. They're just hammering at the world, and sometimes breaking feels like making. ]
I'm--I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not, I promise. [ It's a thin line between lying and withholding information, but darnit--it's still a line. ] I just...don't want to talk about it.
[ that is 100% true, if their situations were switched. vax would have every second of it, sure, but he wouldn't share something that dark, or that heavy, with her. not if it would worsen things, which is apparently would. and vax is aware that he wouldn't, which is in part the reason he's not pushing for it.
when keyleth pauses and leans back to remove the antlers, vax finds himself watching her. watching the movement of her hands, or the expression on her face. knowing that there is apparently such a space between them, now, doesn't sit well, but he doesn't know how to fix it.
but then she's back, her face against his chest, and his arms are around her again. soft and gentle where they rub at her back. he's not sure if what he meant to say has been communicated - that he does want to know but that he's not going to make her do anything - but he leaves it where it is. ] You don't have to. [ he confirms, burying his face back in her hair. ] Not until you want to, and I'm not going to be going anywhere until then.
[ She doesn't mean for it to come out quite so desperate and pleading, but the thought of it is too much. She's already all but lost him once, please, whatever gods or beings are in charge, don't make her do it again. Her eyes burn, her nose starts to sting, and she starts taking very deliberate breaths, refusing to let herself start sniffling or shed tears. ]
I don't...think I can do this alone again. I really don't think I can.
[ he can't tell if she's crying, or just trying to keep herself from it, but either way vax pulls her close and tight to his chest. he wants to help. he wants to do something. and he can't shake the feeling that no matter what he does or says here, it won't really help. ]
I'm not going anywhere, don't worry. [ he says anyway, soft and reassuring into the mess of red hair on the top of her head. ] You don't have to do this alone anymore. I promise.
[ But he can't make those promises, not really. Not make them with any sort of expectations of being held to them. Not just because she knows what she knows--none of them can be sure they'll still be there in a week. A day. An hour.
But that's just life, isn't it? She can't keep holding on to this...whatever it is. Dread? Fear? Grief? A little taste from every column, is probably where the truth is found. Vax is here now, and awake, and alive, and there's nothing he can do about the future. Nothing any of them can do. So. They'll just take it moment by moment. ]
Okay.
[ She breathes in deep, lets it out, content to exist in the tight hold and the soft dark of Vax's clothes against her cheek, the muted whisper of his heartbeat a steady measure of passing moments. Breathes in, breathes out. Unconsciously synchronizing her breaths with his. ]
We're gonna be okay. We'll--all of us, we're gonna be okay.
[ no, he can't. and he knows he can't. not with the raven queen always hanging over his head, or knowing what happens when you get enough of vox machina together. he knows he can't make that promise, but he still does, because he wants to. and whether or not it means anything, his intent is there.
he wants to be here, with her. he wants to make sure she is never alone, and he wants to try his best to make sure it stays that way.
thankfully, she agrees, and vax lets out a soft sigh of his own. feeling keyleth tense, and then relax, up against him. he notices that she synchronizes with him, and it pulls a small smile out of him, turning his cheek to lay it on top of her head, his arms still around her. ]
Yes. We are. We'll all be okay. [ he squeezes her tight, just for good measure, before he pauses. pulls away to reach his hand and pull her face away from his chest, just to catch her eyes. just to stare at them for another second, then a second more, before he gives her a soft smile. ]
I love you. More than anything. You know that, right?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
action.
but there'd been a lot. things to learn and places to know and with everyone (or- almost everyone) together, it meant a whirlwind of chaos and voices and ideas. and it also meant that time for private conversations would need to come later.
thus vax sits on it for a day, maybe more. they go find new restaurants and go shopping and he's watched, confused and very much annoyed, as percy and vex danced around each other. it was a situation he'd have to deal with at some point, but not yet, because right now he's climbing over rooftops and stopping at the one he'd found to be keyleth's, searching down for the right window and knocking on the glass.
he's very aware that she may not be in her room - he would have checked if their earrings worked in any capacity, but as it stood, everything was a bit up in the air. vax has decided, then, to try his luck that she would be in her room. and if not, he was confident enough in his skills to get inside the house, and then he could find her there.
the fact she might not even be in the house has crossed his mind, yes, but that's a bridge to burn when he gets there. for now?
knock knock knock. ]
no subject
So it's not ideal! It really isn't! She doesn't like it either. But she's there as much as she can be without forcing that crowded in feeling of five people existing in a house that honestly feels oppressive and small even with three.
(And maybe it's a little more than that? Maybe it's just weird? Staring at Vex and Percy not acting married when Keyleth knows they're married, and Vax's hands are warm and flush with healthy color and so normal when they touch hers and she can't make sense of how much they don't understand, how much they don't know. It's a constant struggle to try and decide what's even worth telling and what doesn't matter because their world is gone.
Maybe it's a little bit that. But mostly it's just that there's not enough room. Mostly it's that.)
As it happens, she is in her room, water plants while a fat little blue bird chirps at her from his perch, either singing at her to get her attention or just to demonstrate that he can and he's happy. The knock, quite frankly, scares the shit out of her; she yelps and jumps and clutches her pitcher full of water like it's a weapon she's preparing to swing and there is someone at her window oh it's just Vax. Okay. That's okay.
Pitcher set aside, bare feet on tiptoes as she hurries across the room, fiddles and fumbles with the latches, then finally lifts the pane and peers out, confused and a little concerned. Still happy to see him, though. Always happy to see him awake and alive. ]
Hi, hey! Is my door broken?
no subject
thus why he is here. and why - after a brief moment of watching her move around her room and tend to her plants - he knocks. he does feel guilty at the way it startles her, and vax waves apologetically at her when she turns to face him. watches with an odd curiosity as she sets the pitcher aside and moves to unlock the window. once it's opened is when he grins at her, shrugging where he's crouched on her window sill. ]
Don't know, didn't check. Is this your room? [ of course it's her room, he knows that now, but he uses it as an excuse to poke his head inside and look around. he's struck by how keyleth it is - the collection of items and knick-knacks and things strewn across the room. once he's had a chance to case it, he turns his eyes back to her, grin still around but a little less due to the odd feeling he still has about it all. ]
Can I come in?
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Yeah, sure, of course. You don't have to ask.
[ She carries the little clay pots over to a dresser, a temporary placement so Vax can climb in. Which is silly. But also really Vax. Still though. ]
Just for the record, you know, for the future, you can totally use the front door. Just so nobody thinks you're trying to break in.
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because it's keyleth, yes. keyleth who will take his hand. keyleth who will smile at him. keyleth who will press his hand to her cheek and look at him and that's not what he's worried about. because this is keyleth, but it is keyleth and something else, and that is what vax needs to understand.
so he asks. and when she answers, he nods a bit at it. he's not surprised. he expected her to respond with as much. but still, a part of him is relieved that it's still okay - a kind of uncertainty he's not sure how to carry. he steps inside the sill, and then onto whatever is immediately inside, before jumping gracefully down to the floor right inside. something about the thud bring him comfort, like all things that have to do with keyleth tends to do. like how just seeing the beads braided into his hair can sometimes make it all easier to carry. ]
I know, but still. Figured it was worth it.
[ his eyes are still to the room - the little things she has strewn about. the bird in the corner. it simultaneously feels like he's intruding and he's finally home, something about it all feelings so very keyleth but also something else. he tries not to let his discomfort show, but he's also fairly aware that if she wanted to, she could see straight through him, so he doesn't try all that hard.
he shrugs - noncommittally - one shoulder lifting then falling at her suggestion, before he's turning back to face her with a kind of mischievous glint to his eyes. ]
Where's the fun in that? Are your roommates going to get me arrested? [ it feels both like a joke and a challenge, all within the same breath, before it falls into a more welcoming smile, his eyes falling over her again. picking up on all the little details, all the things different. the time that has made its mark on her. he wants to take it back, wants to take her back, but instead he just exhales. ]
I didn't interrupt anything, did I?
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His remark makes her smile--there's her Vax in it, the quick flash of fuck-em-if-they-can't-take-a-joke in his grin. She backs up to the edge of the bed and sits down, pulling a plush little throw pillow into her lap just to hold as she looks up at him and grins right back. ]
Well they might, 'til they figure out who you are.
[ The bright glitter of amusement fades after a moment, his question bringing a brief troubled furrow to her brow. Legs get folded up, pillow hugged to her chest. There are several different directions this conversation can go, potentially, and honestly--there are some Keyleth doesn't want to have. Not now. Possibly not ever. ]
No. Of course not. You're never--no, not interrupting.
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months.
but keyleth grins back at him, settling on the bed, and vax shrugs. ] I'd like to see them try, really. It's been a while since I've gotten to run from authorities. [ but then he watches her, watches the amusement fade, and there. that's why he's here. that haunted, worried expression that hovers somewhere right behind her eyes. vax lets her curl up on her spot for a second before he steps forward, moving to sit down on the bed next to her. ]
Hey. [ he reaches out a little, his hand moving to settle in the space he's left between them. his head tilts a bit to try and catch her eyes where she's curled around the pillow, and he hates how aware he is of the space between them - both the inches of air and something else. his expression is soft, trying to be comforting and understanding while he still feels a bit awkward, himself. he doesn't want to. he wants to fix this. but he can't help the feeling that there's something left unsaid and he plans on fixing it. ]
Is everything okay?
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He's so warm. It makes her eyes sting. She wants nothing more than to forget there was ever (will ever be?) a time when that changed. ]
I just miss the way things were.
[ Which is one-hundred-percent truth. There may still be things she isn't elaborating on, but seeing everyone awake...as happy as she is, it makes missing home a constant raw ache. It makes knowing it's gone and they failed so much harder to keep from thinking about. ]
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he is at a complete loss here, which is why he's so anxious about it. which is why he's here to ask.
but then keyleth sighs, and then she leans against his shoulder. he tilts his head to lean his cheek on top of her head - avoiding the antlers, like he was fairly good at these days - but then she's moving again, wrapping her arms around his chest and her forehead against his neck. it takes him no time at all to turn and wrap his arms around her too, settling his hands against her back and pulling her close.
her voice is quiet when she speaks, and vax lets out a breath, burying his face a bit in her hair. taking a breathing and breathing in her. ] I know. [ or at least, he thinks he does. thinks she is talking about zephrah, about their time back home, about helping everyone rebuild and visiting percy and vex in whitestone. for him, that's the most relevant, the most recent, for him - so that's where his mind goes.
except that's over. the world has been destroyed, and they've all been saved. flown up to some kind of ship the size of all of tal'dorei and then some, and told that they can spend their time here, and vax. is pushing through trying to understand all of that. but he also knows keyleth, and can assume she's holding a lot more of that on her shoulders then she needs to be, and he sighs lightly. ]
There's a lot I miss about home, too. [ he squeezes her a bit closer as he talks. ] But that doesn't mean we can't all try and start something new, here.
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Truthfully, she doesn't even know for sure that she's right about that. She doesn't remember if there was even a fight to lose. How do you grieve for something you can't even remember losing?
Grief. Grief and loss is what it comes to on many levels. Part of her is still stuck trying to decide if she needs to try and mourn something that's sitting right beside her. ]
I know. I keep telling myself that. I've been trying to do that. I keep thinking, a place is just dirt and wood and rocks, the people are the important part, the people were saved. But if they never wake up...does that mean we're it? We're the only people left to remember Emon? Zephrah? Whitestone?
[ They're long thoughts. Heavy thoughts. Keyleth sighs again, though it's lighter this time, less tight in the chest, less burdened ]
I'm sorry. I'm so happy you're awake, all of you. [ Vax, especially. No one can really blame her for that, can they? ] There's just been...it's been a lot.
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keyleth feels differently. he knew she would. a responsibility on her shoulders, an understanding of what it means to carry the mantle. he loves her for it, for that and more, but he also doesn’t know how to help it either. ]
We don’t know if they won’t wake up. [ vex runs his hands over her back, up and down, trying to be comforting. ] We all woke up this last time, right? So who knows how many more will next. And when they do, we’ll keep going. Rebuild. We always do.
[ he can’t help but smile a little at that, leaning down to kiss the top of her head again. ] I’m sorry it took a bit to wake up, too. You shouldn’t have had to do this alone.
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[ It's a quiet huff of an utterance, gentle and only slightly chastising. Keyleth eases back a bit and takes his face firmly in her hands, smiling softly. ]
You couldn't do anything about that, no one could. It's completely out of our control.
[ Just the way things are. Like how no one's talking about Vecna. Like how Percy and Vex are circling each other instead of acting like the happy (and happily married, the assholes) couple they're supposed to be. She's heard a little about this from other people that have woken up. That there are just...just things not everyone remembers.
Which brings up...well. A question she really doesn't want to ask cause it only invites more questions. But it's something she really needs to know. ]
What, um. What's the last thing you remember before you woke up? What was going on?
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I know. [ he feels bad. he does. he knows it's not his fault and there was nothing he could really do about it, but he does. keyleth is obviously hurting, things with his sister are weird in a way he never imagined they would be, and her quiet admission of I just miss the way things were hits home more than he ever thought it would. ] But that doesn't mean I don't want to try and fix it, or apologize. I'm usually faster than three months...
[ but then there's the question. the look. the smile he gives her fades quickly. ]
What? [ he's...confused, more than anything, and his frown shows as much. ] What do you mean? [ and then, because she did ask a question and he can't help but want to help... ] We were in Zephra. Just about to go visit Vex and Percival and Tary in Whitestone. Why?
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[ That glances towards the perch of her fat little feathery friend. That's the mark of a functional, well adjusted person, right? Look, I can take care of another living thing! Look at my plants! See? I'm fine!
The answer to her question is a little sobering, though also about what she expected. ] Zephrah. [ Well, they spent a year in Zephrah, and they visited Whitestone a lot, so that's not as much help as she would have hoped. ] Close to Winter's Crest?
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I was kindness of expecting you to have more. [ he looks over to the feathery friend in the corner, watching as the bird watches him. it might be his imagination, but he feels oddly like he's being judged by this little friend, and it makes vax smile lightly. at the bird, at keyleth penchant to attract feathery friends.
but then the thought stops - as it usually did with thoughts regarding the raven queen.
the question is poised, and vax gives his answer. he watches her for any kind of response, any idea of what she means when she asks. he doesn't be get nearly enough of an answer from her expression, and his frown grows a bit. ]
Almost. We were a few weeks out. [ he doesn't like this. doesn't like what this most likely means. he tightens his hands on her wrists for a moment. ]
Keyleth, what's going on? Why?
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Oh it's, it's nothing bad. I think it's just, just a thing that happens. I don't know why. Maybe it has to do with the Storm. But some people don't, they don't remember things that've happened. That's all.
[ Has her voice gone a little tight? Maybe. Keyleth's bad at lying. And this isn't lying, exactly, it's just dodging a topic. Which isn't much better, or any easier, than lying. ]
oh my actual god i have no idea how that many typos happened im so sorry.
which is why he waits for a second, one and then two, before he's leaning forward to press his forehead against her's. ]
Keyleth. [ and then it's his turn, lifting his hands to cup both her cheeks and to rub his thumbs over the skin there. more pieces are starting to fall into place, now, but not quite enough. he wants to know, but he also doesn't want to make her feel any worse. ]
You can tell me anything, you know that right? [ he watches her eyes, then, his own soft but worried, before- ] What was the last thing you remember, then?
no worries, they happen! <3
...It's just one she's willing to bear. She just can't do it. She can't tell him everything. And is it really so wrong? What good does it do for him to know what happens when it may not ever happen? What will it achieve, but to make him feel sad? And she's so tired of that. She's so tired of being sad and angry over things she doesn't get to have in a world that doesn't exist anymore. ]
It's... [ A soft sigh, eyes closed, as Keyleth sinks into the warmth of Vax's palms cradling her head between them. ] Oh, Vax. It's a really long story. Things got bad. Worse than dragons, bad. Bad enough that the Storm might've even saved more people than it hurt. That sounds so awful, but I don't--I don't know that it isn't true.
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but vax also knows that if keyleth doesn't to say anything further, he won't push her. and with the way she leans into his hands, he has a good idea that whatever it is she's not sharing is hard, and he doesn't blame her for it. couldn't ever blame keyleth for anything, really. ]
It's okay. [ because, somewhere down in him, he knew things would. get worse, get bad, get worse than bad. things with the conclave were bad, but they made it out. they survived, in a way, and pushed through. scanlan walked out on them, sure, but they were all alive. feeling her sink into him is telling enough of what she's been dealing her holding onto, and vax moves slowly, pulling his hands from her face if only to pull her to his chest, wrapping his arms around her and cradling her close. ] We came here to save our home, didn't we? And that's what happened. You're a hero.
[ because she is. more than that, she's his hero, and he tucks his face into her hair for a moment just to remind him that she's here. that it'll be okay, because she is here and vex is here and everything else will work out.
after a pause, he exhales slowly. ] You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. [ despite the way his whole body seems to rebel against those words, he knows they're true. ] But you don't need to lie to me either, okay? Because shit might suck back home, but we're here. We can figure it out.
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But that doesn't mean she won't accept the embrace, the comfort. Keyleth starts to move in, then makes a quiet noise and eases back enough to lift the antlered circlet off of her head, setting it aside far enough away that neither of them are likely to put their hands down on it and catch a prong.
There. She winds her arms around his middle and presses her cheek against Vax's chest. That's better. She sinks in and closes her eyes, counting every breath and every heartbeat, roughly three beats for every inhale and exhale.
She shifts again, just to turn her head and press her face into the fabric of his shirt. Hero. Keyleth's never felt like a hero. She thinks Kerr has the right of it. They're just hammering at the world, and sometimes breaking feels like making. ]
I'm--I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not, I promise. [ It's a thin line between lying and withholding information, but darnit--it's still a line. ] I just...don't want to talk about it.
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when keyleth pauses and leans back to remove the antlers, vax finds himself watching her. watching the movement of her hands, or the expression on her face. knowing that there is apparently such a space between them, now, doesn't sit well, but he doesn't know how to fix it.
but then she's back, her face against his chest, and his arms are around her again. soft and gentle where they rub at her back. he's not sure if what he meant to say has been communicated - that he does want to know but that he's not going to make her do anything - but he leaves it where it is. ] You don't have to. [ he confirms, burying his face back in her hair. ] Not until you want to, and I'm not going to be going anywhere until then.
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[ She doesn't mean for it to come out quite so desperate and pleading, but the thought of it is too much. She's already all but lost him once, please, whatever gods or beings are in charge, don't make her do it again. Her eyes burn, her nose starts to sting, and she starts taking very deliberate breaths, refusing to let herself start sniffling or shed tears. ]
I don't...think I can do this alone again. I really don't think I can.
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[ he can't tell if she's crying, or just trying to keep herself from it, but either way vax pulls her close and tight to his chest. he wants to help. he wants to do something. and he can't shake the feeling that no matter what he does or says here, it won't really help. ]
I'm not going anywhere, don't worry. [ he says anyway, soft and reassuring into the mess of red hair on the top of her head. ] You don't have to do this alone anymore. I promise.
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But that's just life, isn't it? She can't keep holding on to this...whatever it is. Dread? Fear? Grief? A little taste from every column, is probably where the truth is found. Vax is here now, and awake, and alive, and there's nothing he can do about the future. Nothing any of them can do. So. They'll just take it moment by moment. ]
Okay.
[ She breathes in deep, lets it out, content to exist in the tight hold and the soft dark of Vax's clothes against her cheek, the muted whisper of his heartbeat a steady measure of passing moments. Breathes in, breathes out. Unconsciously synchronizing her breaths with his. ]
We're gonna be okay. We'll--all of us, we're gonna be okay.
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he wants to be here, with her. he wants to make sure she is never alone, and he wants to try his best to make sure it stays that way.
thankfully, she agrees, and vax lets out a soft sigh of his own. feeling keyleth tense, and then relax, up against him. he notices that she synchronizes with him, and it pulls a small smile out of him, turning his cheek to lay it on top of her head, his arms still around her. ]
Yes. We are. We'll all be okay. [ he squeezes her tight, just for good measure, before he pauses. pulls away to reach his hand and pull her face away from his chest, just to catch her eyes. just to stare at them for another second, then a second more, before he gives her a soft smile. ]
I love you. More than anything. You know that, right?
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